Cancer Faith and You

The Balance Between Positiveness and Practicality

October 17, 2009

This area of positiveness is still new to me. I have been such a pragmatist and logical person almost to the point of being negative much of my life. Through the cancer and MDS the Lord has allowed me to see the positive side of life. I know the benefit of being positive and keeping my immune system in the best condition to fight the diseases naturally. And I will maintain positiveness at all costs knowing the Lord has my back.

When does practicality have its place? Can I get too far down the path of positiveness that I am ignoring what is happening to me? Or is letting the thoughts of practical thinking diminish my positiveness and consequently thwart the action of my immune system?

I am not sure that I have answers to these questions. I am not sure that I am on any kind of natural timetable with my body any more. I have to give it to Him and not worry about what is going on with my body. My logical mind has me dead in weeks or months based on how quickly my body energy is decreasing. I can get all down, depressed, and crazy, but I choose not to think about it. Sometimes thoughts creep back in, but I just give them to the Lord.

He still seems to have things for me to do and is using me and that is all that matters. Mentally and spiritually I am the best that I have ever been. I am more active in ministry than I have ever been. I am engaging in the lives of those around me helping them have fun and enjoy life. Sometimes my body doesn’t keep up, but so be it.

What does all of that mean? Someday I may not be able to walk, but that is not today. Someday I may be in a wheelchair, but is not today. Right now none of that is happening. Right now I rejoice in what the Lord has allowed for me to do this day, how I have been allowed to speak into others lives. I cannot worry about the tomorrow that I have been guaranteed.

I have to remember that Stephen Hawking writes book with the movement of his eyes. If He wants to use me, He will keep me alive and figure out a way to get His message out through me. My life and my body is no longer my own.

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Posted by mhubbard41

Long Term Illnesses Can Mess With Your Head

August 31, 2009

I didn’t think that I would be adding much more to this blog since the cancer has been in remission for over two years and the MDS seemed to fairly stable. I guess I have been a little anxious lately about this incurable disease that the various drug regimens don’t seem to be able to control.

I know that I am to be anxious about nothing, but I don’t seem to be able to shake this feeling that my condition is worsening. I guess that is a lack of faith. It is definitely a lack of faith since I am not putting my life completely in the Lord’s hands. I have a meeting with my oncologist tomorrow and I think that we need to have a very frank discussion about where this is going.

I guess that I really don’t know why this one seems to be getting to me. The rest I have been able to get my peace and remain positive about the situation. If I begin to think that I surely am going to die, will I die sooner? The statistics say so. I weaken my immune system and don’t fight disease as hard. Why would I do that? Why would I not go to the Lord and exchange this burden for His light one as I have done so far? What is so different?

I think in this one I am generally well and my mind is clear. That can be a dangerous place for me to be. I can over think what is going on and concentrate on what seems to be happening in this world and not realize that the spiritual world is what matters. He has the plan for me and He unfolds is as He pleases and in His time. For some reason I am not resting in that plan.

I think that another thing is that I don’t deal well with complements. I had a nurse at the oncologist’s office call me one of the most positive people that he had met. I just don’t do well with that. I tend to take it in more than I should and not reflect it back to the Lord who really caused it to happen. I want to regain that balance realizing that I am really the Lord’s to do with what He chooses. I am nothing by myself.

Lord, take this anxiety and any wrong thoughts that I have and use me for whatever you will. I don’t want these thoughts and feelings. You are going to take when You will whether that is 20 minutes from now or 20 years. Help me be secure in that fact. Help me to remember that You have the best plan for me and that I cannot and desire not to effect that. Help me to rest in You and your security.

Writing this part a little later, I have recovered peace. Writing seems to be my therapy for talking out my inside doubts and fears. The Lord is always faithful to exchange our sinfulness for His righteousness. I don’t understand that at any level in this world, but I know that it works supernaturally.

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Posted by mhubbard41

Are You Over the Slap in the Face?

August 17, 2009

Maybe this should have been the first entry in the blog because it’s the beginning point. But I think that I had forgotten this event, but it needs to be covered. At the point that I received the news that I had cancer, I was just stunned and it put me in a place of disbelief and I felt some things that I cannot describe. It was just not real.

Cancer was a death sentence as far as I knew. Nobody survived that killer. The fears started to creep along with the whys and the why me. The slap hurts and blows us back from our little world of routines. As we gradually absorb the thought we see that our world will never be the same.

My doctor confirmed that I had multiple myeloma over the phone while I was on a business trip. All of the tests came back finding that “bone eating lesion” on my sixth rib was indeed cancer. I probably should have been a little more alarmed at the term “bone eating lesion”, but it all seemed so surreal.

I started looking up the cancer on the Internet. First I confused the name with melanoma which is a completely different kind of cancer. Finally, in talking with my wife, I researched one and found out that what I had what used to be called bone cancer. My grandmother had died from it when I was twelve.

Multiple myeloma was a death sentence until the mid-1980’s. Now, the survival rate is about 50%. I didn’t know any of that at the time; I just knew that I had cancer. I didn’t know how much it would transform my life and how much I would change. The slap just stunned me. I’m pretty thick headed and it takes me a while to catch on to a new reality that I have to face.

Probably the hardest part to deal with was the uncertainty. There are not answers to questions like, “Am I going to die?” “What is going to happen to me?” “What will happen to my family?” “Where is God in all of this?” “Have I been abandoned?” I felt alone, not knowing really what to do or where to go.

Fortunately the medical community kicks in. They guide you through all of the things that need to be done. They schedule the surgeries, the chemotherapy, and the radiation as needed and you just follow along. Gradually your mind clears and you begin to figure it out and come out of the process with some hope. But expect an adjustment period as you get use to what you are going through.

Gradually, the routines begin to be manageable. You find help from friends and loved ones that you never dreamed would be involved. The community around you responds to your needs and as the stun subsides, you begin to feel the love. Life is not necessarily good at this point depending on what you are going through, but you find it to be a time to begin healing.

Leave a Comment » | Cancer and Christian Faith, Chemotherapy, Healing, Procedures, Stun of hearing cancer | Tagged: Cancer procedures, Chemotherapy, Stun of hearing cancer | Permalink
Posted by mhubbard41

Am I Ever Going to Sleep Right Again?

July 23, 2009

I remember when Nellie, the Physician’s Assistant at my oncologist’s office, started me on thalidomide to begin my cancer cure. She said to me, “You are going to have some of the best sleep that you have ever had.” I did not think much about it at the time but it has taken on a bit more meaning as I have gone through the healing process.

I had never slept very well for much of my life. I often woke up very early in the morning and could not go back to sleep. Four or five hour nights of sleep were common for me. But one of the side effects of this drug, thalidomide, was gentle and restful sleep and I will say that was good, very good. Rest for the body speeds the healing process. Maybe that’s why we tend to sleep so much after surgeries and other trauma that happens to our body.

The other side effect of the drugs that we take can give us restless sleep as well. This side effect I learned about from Anne whom I met in the oncology clinic. She was dealing with the after effects of a colonoscopy and surgery. Her chemotherapy treatment gave her restless sleep. I remember her saying, “If I could just get four hours of continuous sleep, it would be great.”

My oncologist just changed the drug regimen that he is using the treat my MDS. The chemo procedure looked favorable for a time but in the end was not the solution. Now I am on steroids and vitamins which I had mentioned before. The effect on sleep has been drastic. I am almost in whiplash from in going from general malaise condition under the chemo to being over stimulated on the steroids. I now sleep about two hours a night. I catch small “cat naps” during the day or if I can get back to sleep in the night. I have more energy than I may have ever had in my life.

I don’t know if you or I will ever sleep right again. I am not sure that I slept right before I had cancer and MDS. We are so different in our sleep patterns and the effect that too little sleep has on us. When we inject harsh drugs into our systems to keep us alive, we have to deal with what comes our way.

What we fail to see is that we are not who we were. Radical things have happened to our bodies and they are not the same. But the Lord has made radical things happen to our soul and spirit during the same process of physical healing. We are brand new. The new normal that we have become has new characteristics associated with it. One of those things may be changes in sleep patterns. But during that time the Lord has given me a closer insight to Him and things of Him and His true desire to be involved in all aspects of my life. I pray that I will always be able to embrace the change that He allows in my life.

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Posted by mhubbard41

Are You Happy?

July 22, 2009

There is something about coming close to death that makes life more precious. Every minute takes on a little more meaning and often makes us rethink our priorities. The question is you doing the things that make you happy? Or are you doing things that have become a habit or duty for your life?

As we live lives it’s so easy to get in a groove of just doing things that we need to do to survive. In the rut we create we loose track of our dreams and goals and loves and the happiness vibration that is within us. As I examined my life, I found that for much of my life I had been doing something that I really did not like, but something that paid the bills. I discovered that I had really pushed my dreams aside for the good of supporting my family. Those pushed-aside-dreams are difficult to recover.

I needed to find out who I was and was to be. I needed to find out how to bring the dreams and loves back into my life. As a Christian the whole area of finding myself is intertwined in what He wants me to do and His purpose for my life. The whole process of discovery has been amazing.

Why am I talking about this in relation to cancer? I talked before about how our attitude affects the immune system. Negativity and anger suppress our ability to heal ourselves. Finding out how to be truly happy would certainly affect my own healing process.

What is this elusive happiness? Of course, it’s unique for each of us just as our relationship with God is unique. Going through cancer and getting close to death forces us to go one of two ways: bitter or better. Honestly, throughout my disease journey, I have been both. I see people who have taken both directions in the waiting rooms and clinics. I have reacted poorly and angrily many times which was not good for my healing.

I am not completely sure not sure how I came to the point of accepting the disease as being from the Lord. I am not sure when I began believing that He was in the process with me. Somehow He got it through my thick head that He was perfecting me as the Bible talks about in James 1:2-4. Understanding how a trials-equals-perfection life is a positive thing has been quite a ride.

Lord, how have You made the introvert a breath of fresh air to many around him? How have You taken an arrogant man and made him humble and accepting of what comes his way. How have you made me a person who talked to no one into a person who talks to everybody in a waiting room or a clinic? How have you shown me that my happiness is in relationship with You and others? How have You shown me that my happiness is about a deep relationship with people and You?

I am not sure completely how all of this took place. I know that the change has taken place on spiritual and mental levels that I cannot grasp. I have become the happiest person I have ever been in my life. I know that comes from being intertwined with You and others, but a by product is it that is encourages healing within my body. What has happened is a true miracle that I am incapable of understanding. I just want to keep up and enjoy the ride.

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Posted by mhubbard41

Let’s Look at the Drug Thing Again

July 21, 2009

I am fascinated with the prospect of what it means to be “fearfully and wonderfully made” as it talks about in Psalm 139:13-14. The Lord creates the perfect balance of chemicals is each of us to make us who we are. Minute changes in some of the critical chemicals makes us depressed or elated, introspective or outgoing, and so on. Some chemicals give us energy and drive and others make us withdraw. The subtle changes in the chemicals over our lives move us from youth to aging. The Lord puts this chemical balance in each of us to make the beautiful and unique creatures that we are.

Introducing new chemicals into this wondrous system that each one of us have messes with that balance. Each of us responds to the introduction of new chemicals in different ways. Many times the prescribing doctor does not really know all of the effects they will see when they introduce a chemical. When there is not much risk to our lives or quality of life, we take drugs that have minimal effect. Consequently, the newly introduced chemicals have little general effect on our overall being.

But there are times are times when harsh drugs need to be introduced to our system if we are to survive. The upset of the balance within each of us begins. We don’t much regard for the side effects. When we are in a fight for our life with a disease like cancer, we induce the drugs to live. Oncologists introduce new chemical to counteract the new chemicals that have been introduced to our systems be the disease.

That may seem like a long drawn out discussion to make a simple point. Drugs change us. We see the massive and large change from the drugs used to kill cancer cells, but we often ignore the subtle changes in all of the other parts of our system.

My oncologist has changed the medical procedure used to fight the MDS from chemotherapy to oral medications. Since the chemo stopped working, he decided to go to steroids to fight MDS. The changes in my overall countenance have been amazing. I have gone from a general malaise, low energy, difficult-to-focus person to an energized and alert person. I can focus on my work and have energy to do so many things that I found to be so difficult to do before the change. I am still in awe of what has just happened. The overall purpose of the new drugs is certainly meant to thwart the effect of MDS, but the subtle changes I have experienced are encouraging to my soul.

Don’t get me wrong there are times in my cancer cycle that I wanted drugs, cried out for drugs. The deterioration in my multiple-myeloma-affected bones had to be stopped. The killer needed to become the victim if I were to live. The side effects did not matter. The pain associated with the disease had to be stopped before I went crazy. I cried out for drugs to ease the effects of the disease that I was feeling and did not really care what the side effects were.

The point seems to be is that desperate times call for desperate measures and we are willing to take any risk just to have life itself. We put up with the constipation and separation of mind and body that morphine brings about. We put up with “chemo brain” and lethargy and vomiting because we want another breath. We want life and we will put up with so many things to get it.

The Lord has granted us another day and I pray that each of us will make the most of it regardless the side effects are that we enduring at this moment. “Count it all joy when you run across various trials…because you are being made perfect and complete lacking nothing.” We are being perfected and regaining the balance the God intended.

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Posted by mhubbard41

Are We Really What We Eat and How Much We Move?

July 18, 2009

We have all have had the virtues of diet and exercise pumped into us by the culture that we live in that is enthralled by thin, well-toned bodies. But that is not really reality for most of us. We have found that our bodies seem to have a mind of their own when it comes to what we weigh and how much we exercise. It sometimes seems that the energy it takes to keep eating correctly and exercising frequently are goals for some, just thoughts for others, and fantasies for many.

Cancer and related illnesses cause it to be more difficult to adhere to eating well and exercising often. When you are in the midst of chemotherapy and radiation there are times, most times, that eating and exercising just aren’t things that come to mind. In fact, these two things may be the last things on our mind.

I remember times when I was in the worst of my cancer and lying mostly flat on my back, walking to the end of the house with the use of my walker was a big deal. I know the nausea and vomiting associated sometimes associated with chemo makes us reluctant to even take food in. There are times when we just don’t want to eat or move.

Since I quit smoking about 35 years ago, I have always worked out. I ran a lot and played sports with my kids. I think that I was probably a little too proud of my body and the Lord needed to teach me a couple of things in that area. Lying on my back for about six months changed my body and my attitude about it. I joined a gym after I had recovered from the multiple myeloma in order to recover some muscle mass and to get more flexible after the back surgeries to repair my deteriorated spine.

I still try to go to the gym three times a week, but I admit it’s a struggle during some of my chemo treatments. I just feel tired and want to sit down.

I know that I need to workout three times a week at least, but sometimes it does not get done.
I know I need to do at least 15 minutes of cardio workout, 30 would be better, but that may not come either.
I know that I need to do stretching and weights to keep my muscles and joints working, but sometimes that does not get done either.

Diet is another thing that can be hit or miss. I know the things that I should do:

eat more fruits and vegetables,
keep away from the five white foods (white bread, white rice, white pasta, processed sugar, and potatoes) use the whole grain versions instead,
try to eat food items that are lower on the glycemic index,
eat smaller portions,
restrict the intake of red meat, but take in more fish, chicken and eat lean meats, also
eat foods with antioxidants.

But do I do it? Sometimes the answer is yes and other times no. I have a sweet tooth. It’s hard to pass up a donut or ice cream or pie or a cookie. I like an occasional meal of a good hamburger and French fries at my favorite hamburger place. But I also eat lots of salads and try to have fruits and vegetables each day. I try to intake fish and chicken, but I also have pizza. Sometimes I control my portions and sometimes I overeat. Go figure.

With the Lord’s help we can move into the areas of good diet and exercise as best we can. Each area affects how we feel and how well we recover. My parents used to say that we should try to eat as normally as possible when we are sick. We need to do what we can in each area. If we can only walk to the end of the house then that’s our exercise of the day. If we can only eat a couple of spoonfuls of soup today then that’s our diet. Sometimes that’s the way it is, but I think that we need to continue to push back to normal each day if we want to beat the disease that we have and try to return to some quality of life.

In the final analysis there are three things at work in this process of healing:

science of the medical community,
God’s actions in our lives, and
our attitude about healing.

How much we affect this process is not really known, but how much we pursue being healthy through exercise and diet definitely has an effect on the outcome of the process.

1 Comment | Cancer and Christian Faith, Eating and Exercise | Tagged: Effect of diet, Effect of exercise | Permalink
Posted by mhubbard41

Are the Scheduled Procedures Managing You?

June 23, 2009

There have been at least two times that I can think of in my journey that the scheduled procedures that I had to go through seem to have been managing my life rather than the other way around. Things just occur sometimes and it seems that we have no control of our lives. Sometimes that really frustrates me and I tend to push back against it. Then I have to remember that my doctors are trying to keep me alive.

The first time procedures seemed to control my life was when I had just started the multiple myeloma treatments. The procedures started by toughening my bones by taking promidrinate on a frequent basis. The doctors also wanted to arrest the cancer so they started radiation treatments at the same time. The radiation was extensive and I seemed to be going twice a week or more. At the time I was sick enough that that I really did not notice the schedule.

The other time that I am feeling the press of scheduled procedures on my life is now. The difference is that I feel well and am quite active even holding down a part-time job. The cancer is gone, but I am dealing with MDS which suppresses my ability to produce enough blood cells. When the MDS is at its worst, I need frequent transfusions which at the moment is twice a week. I also take a chemotherapy drug named Vidaza that works on at correcting my bone marrow. Those procedures occur seven times a month. Sometimes I feel like my procedures are taking over.

It’s really easy to get annoyed and frustrated. It is really easy to ask what the Lord is doing in this situation. It’s even pretty easy to be fearful about what is going to happen as the procedures get closer and closer together. Those are all of the things that go through my mind when I am thinking in my own power and start to feel pity for myself.

Then I have to stop and realize whose I am. I have to realize that He is in control and that He has a plan. I know that He is giving me today and that I am going to try to enjoy it and the people around me as much as I can. I just pray for another day like this one. Thank you Lord for what You have done so far and for what You will do in the future.

2 Comments | Cancer and Christian Faith, Frustrations of cancer, Procedures | Tagged: Cancer procedures, Chemotherapy, Radiation and cancer | Permalink
Posted by mhubbard41

When Will the Healing Come?

June 22, 2009

There is unfortunately no predicting when and if you will be healed. If you know the Lord, then you know the ultimate healer. He, of course, does what He pleases in the time that He chooses. His actions are way beyond any control that you or I have. Does that mean it does no good to pray? No, I don’t think so. I personally offer continuous pray for me and my friends. I just don’t get to control when He chooses to deliver it.

Doctors are generally smart people steeped in all of the science that is available to cure cancer. I certainly trust my oncologist with many aspects of my life. Science certainly has progressed greatly in the cure for the different kinds of cancer. Doctors know more now than ever before. They prescribe what is necessary based on their knowledge.

Science is really not at odds with the faith-based community. Nothing comes at us unless the Lord allows it. I believe that statement is true in both the illnesses and the cures. The results of the procedures prescribed ultimately belong to the Lord. I am still fascinated with how different chemicals react differently within the people. Very few reactions seem to be the same.

I was reading in the March 2, 2009 issue of Forbes about “spontaneous tumor reductions being the rarest and most mysterious events in medicine.” Is that healing by faith? The people in the article were apparently not Christians, but they were being healed. The most recent event being my friend, John, who had a tumor on his spine “vanish.”

Miraculous? Yes, I believe so. Miracles still happen. Miracles happen in many forms that we don’t often think of. It is a miracle that science is given a new drug that helps in the recovery or remission process. God continues to unfold the wonders to all. He uses Christian and scientists alike to accomplish His work. He works in miraculous ways that we don’t completely understand.

Everyday I see amazing things in the oncology clinic with my friends and heroes. I watch my friend, Ben, holding his ground with pancreatic cancer and keeps one of the most gentle and positive dispositions I know. I see Chuck who has just recovered from colon cancer where his doctor said his cure was like winning the lottery. I watch Mary and Sandra and Karen deal with multiple types of cancer in their bodies and retaining their joy and sense of humor. I see Judi and Cheryl take on long term illnesses and not miss a beat in their lives. Many people in the clinic still work on jobs full time. I know I have left someone out, these are all miracles that would not have been possible even fives years ago. Yes, miracles happen everyday and the healing will come.

2 Comments | Cancer and Christian Faith, Healing | Tagged: Anger and the Immune System, Encouraging the immune system, Positive attitude effect | Permalink
Posted by mhubbard41

Is This Cancer a Family Thing?

June 13, 2009

Let me start out by answering the question: I don’t know if cancer is a family thing. The only genetic evidence that I know of is the breast cancer tendency that some families have. Beyond that I know of no discovered gene that predicts cancer, but I am not a medical person. That said families do seem to have cancer or not have cancer. Just like some have tendencies to alcoholism and some do not. But I talk to people who have cancer who have no one in their family with the disease.

In my family, my grandmother died of bone cancer. My uncle and brother died of liver cancer, and my parents both died of leukemia. I have survived multiple myeloma and have been cancer free for over two years. That’s definitely a family full of cancer.

Should you be worried if you are in one of those families? I don’t know the answer, but I would be very sensitive to what’s going on in your body. Get things checked if you detect anything out of the ordinary. The early detection thing that the medical community talks about is very real.

Some women who have the breast cancer tendency in their family react by having mastectomies before cancer comes to lessen the chances of contracting the disease. Each of us has to do what we feel is best in our situations. But the bottom line here is if something comes up, get it checked out.

That is not to say you should be paranoid either. If you are worrying about cancer and this is upsetting your peace with God, you have lost perspective about life. Get your concerns checked out. Talk to doctors and friends who have had similar conditions.

Scripture tells us to be anxious about nothing. If you are worrying, then examine your relationship with God. Call on Him and confess your anxiety, but follow up with a visit to someone who can honestly answer your questions. Your worries may be about nothing, and then again you may be getting prompted by the Holy Spirit to have something checked out.

2 Comments | Cancer and Christian Faith, Family link to cancer | Tagged: Family link to cancer | Permalink
Posted by mhubbard41